Saturday, April 23, 2011

Tak Setuju

The only reason that I can accept for a guy to not couple ialah kerana mencari cinta yang diredhai Allah.
All other reason yang diberi lelaki like losing his freedom sebab gf asyik messagelah, asyik merajuklah, asyik ape-apejelah..kehabisan duit sebab selalu kena blanje aweklah and dah hilang masa untuk luangkan masa kawan-kawanlah, that is all just generalization. Because as far I know, even before Apai and I reached the stage of maturity in our relationship, I was just not that kind of gf yang selalu merajuk, yang selalu minta dibelanja, yang selalu dahagakan perhatian, no I was not all of that at all. Even now that I am sick pun I am not that kind of gf. So yeah guys, girls do like to be given attention but not all cannot live without this attention. So stop saying dengan penuh bangganya 'I dont want a gf, because having a gf will ruin my life.' Macam perempuan ni suka memusnahkan hidup seorang lelaki tu plak..uwekkk.

Tapi ingatlah para lelaki,
"Tidak aku tinggalkan fitnah yang lebih berbahaya bagi seorang lelaki daripada (fitnah) wanita" - Hadis Riwayat Bukhari

Starting all over again

I dont think I want to continue  my studies dah at this moment, or maybe I do want to but not in this field. Too much stress, which I refuse to handle even if I can. I've been thinking about it even before I was feeling unwell, the stress was building up, maybe sebab tu sakit tiba-tiba kot, hehe. Doing your PhD is not easy especially when you're still in the phase of  I-need-a-break- after-my-degree. I really wanted the title so bad for my future plans, which is not being an academician or working in the academics. I wanted to do my own research at my own company and then jadi kaya, hehe. I need the credibility that comes along with the title 'Dr.' and I wanted to start early. Now I need to re-plan everything, because you know the stereotype  that people usually associate with being in the science field - kerja banyak dan susah, gaji ciput, lambat nak kaya, well yeah I dont want to go through that, I'm not fit for it - physically and mentally at the moment, I dont even want to push myself to give it a try. I'm done pushing myself. But there is still a part of me telling me that I can survive it. I'm not sure yet whether I just need a month break from my studies or to turn over a new leaf.

And it is hard that I'm keeping my health condition away from my family, everyone is trying to say tak de ape-ape, I've never said this before in any condition that I am, because I believe those who used this phrase is like 'Ek eleh macam besar sangat masalah ko'..but yeah, 'Try to be in my shoe'. It is not just about having the illness but having the illness and trying to continue what I am doing now, it take a lot of strength. And like I said before, I'm done pushing nyself. I need a break.

Apai is not helping either because he is being too positive. He needs to accept the fact that there is a chance that I may not fully recover or that things may get worse in the future. At the moment, the recovery process is slow, but it is just something that I need to get use to. Dont worry people, I'm not really sick, I'm just unwell.

Before this I'm very much aware that one day I'll die, tapi sekarang kesedaran tu amatlah meningkat-ningkat. Takutlah. I dont think I'm ready. Ni kesedaran yang datang bersama being unwell, I'm not diagnose with any fatal disease. Setiap yang berlaku ade hikmahnya, dan hikmah yang terbesar yang datang bersama ujian ini ialah usaha yang meningkat untuk mendekatkan diri padaNya. Bukan sahaja berdoa untuk sembuh sepenuhnya tetapi juga agar diampunkan segala dosa, hidup dan dimatikan dengan iman. Thank you Allah for this reminder, the reminder that I need not only plan my life here on earth but also hereafter.

" Dan aku tidak (menyatakan) diriku bebas (dari kesalahan), kerana sesungguhnya nafsu itu selalu mendorong kepada kejahatan, kecuali nafsu yang diberi rahmat oleh Tuhanku. Sesungguhnya, Tuhanku Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang."
- Surah Yusuf. (12): 53 

" Dan bersegeralah kamu mencari keampunan dari Tuhan kamu dan mendapatkan syurga yang luasnya seluas langit dan bumi, yang disediakan bagi orang-orang yang bertaqwa."
- Surah Ali Imran (3): 133 

"... Dan berbekallah kamu, kerana sesungguhnya sebaik-baik bekal adalah taqwa."
- Surah Al-Baqarah (2): 197

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Sihat sebelum sakit, hidup sebelum mati

By the end of the appointment, after explaining about the medication and diet that I have to take, the owh-you-make-me-want to-smile doctor (seriously doctor ni sangat menarik perwatakan dia :)) said - my specialist from now on I guess,

"Yang paling penting Sabrina, saya tak nak awak takut untuk mencuba sesuatu becuase you'll afraid you'll loose your balance, jangan takut mencuba sesuatu, live life as usual, dont be afraid to drive, dont be afraid to do anything, jangan mengambil sikap avoidance, the more you push yourself, the faster the body will adapt"

I'm trying but sometimes it not that easy :(  but I keep reminding myself  that what I'm going through may not be as painful as what are others going through.

Next appointment in 2 weeks time.

Lesson learn: Life can change in a split second. Ingatlah 5 perkara sebelum 5 perkara.

Friday, April 15, 2011


One day, I hope I'll have the chance to serve Africa, as a scientist or an educator, that is my international ambition.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Tititk-titik hitam di hati

One of the things that Apai keep reminding me, when it come to friends, hate or dislike the thing that he/she does but not to quickly hate/dislike him or her, because as everyone is aware, nobody is perfect. He is not a big fan of the pepatah 'Kerana nila setitik rosak susu sebelanga.' He holds truly to the saying 'Buang yang keruh, ambil yang jernih' and believes in second chances. And as a true friend, he continues, if we don't have the courage to talk to him/her personally, then pray that one day he or she will change while in the same time pray that Allah will continue to protect us from bisikan syaitan laknatullah.

With that I am forgiving everyone that has do me wrong and asking everyone to forgive me if I ever spread any hate to you just because of some small stupid things. Sorry, I promise I'll never ever bad mouth anyone again, not to Apai too

Thank you sayang! He is amazing, but in a split second, I tell you, he can be very annoyingggg, hahaha.. annoying in a good way that is :) I miss him, he has been away for two weeks now, but I'm already used to his prompt needs to work offshore