Monday, December 13, 2010

Cause it is you and me, we are not alone

You cant really change the past, but you can certainly can shape your future. Instead of saying "I dont have regrets in my life, because all the things that happen to me had made me  today", I would prefer to say "I do have regrets in life, I did made mistakes but from the mistakes I learn and hopefully those events will make be a better person". How can you not have regrets in life? I regret every fight that I had with my mother, dont you? True there is always a blessing in disguise in everything that happen but of course you need to feel regret that the event had to take place in the first place, before you can actually embrace the blessing, no?

I might regret a bit my decision to not stay in the States and work until May 2011 and continue my studies afterwords. To actually came back in September I believe was actually the best decision for me at that moment but in a way that decision sort of disappointed my parents. They did not say it out loud but you just know. I dont like to disappoint my parents, who does. Or is it just a feeling? Or is it I am the one who is disappointed but in denial? But again I will not look back, and focus on the future.

Alhamdullilah, as for now things are starting to fall into places. I am always reminded by my father that what we think is best for us may not actually be the best, and what we think is the worst option for us may not be the worst and therefore to Allah we need to always pray they He will guide us in making a decision. And I have been praying hard lately that Allah will show me the right path.

I'm so tired of figuring what I want to do in my life at the moment. I'm sure many would have the idea that I have my whole life plan, well no actually. The only really goal that I set for myself is to fly overseas and once that is achieved, I'm quite lost. I would real like to continue my studies but I'm not sure at this stage of life I want to spent hours in lab doing research. I have an interest but I dont think I'm ready to commit yet.And I think I'm ready to let go of my dream to save the world from world hunger to something that I actually enjoy doing. And what do I enjoy doing? I'm not quite sure yet. I realized that everything I do in my life before was to please my parents because I love them so much. I dont know any other way to pay them back then to actually excel in my studies. But being 23 I think it is about time for me to create my own dream and achieved them. I hope they would understand and would be happy for me. Maybe in the end, I will realized again that I do want to save the world from world hunger. So I made the decision to work first for at least two years, gather some big money and then to continue studies. Hopefully by then I would be certain of what kind of research that I want to do.

I'm just feeling all so lost right now because I'm being offered two positions that I'm not sure I want to accept. In the interview of course I tried hard to prove I am capable of the job responsibilities; but once they offered me the job, I start asking yourself is this what I really want to start my career with?  A tutor at UM with the Department of Biomedical Engineering and a Researcher-Biology at a Japanese Agrochemical company. I'm choosing the latter. Since I am not sure of what kind of research I want to spent my whole life doing, I dont want to choose Biomedical Engineering just because UM is willing to waive all the tuition fee if I joined them as a tutor. Continuing studies is not like working. Working maybe you cant really be choosy especially your first job but to continue your studies especially at a Master/PHD level you have the right to choose what interest you MOST, no? Do you know how many moments I felt tensed up in completing my research at Penn State? It just required too much commitment. I survived Penn State for many reasons, but the most important one is that I have interest in my research and that make me work hard to complete it. And once you start your Master is not like you can quit just like that! So again studies can wait. I dont think I will ever loose interest to continue my studies at a higher level. Working seem a better option as for now.

The researcher position is in Senawang, so yeah. I need to move and be away from the family, Apai and friends :( I'm not sure why am I making a big deal out of this distance thing.  Out of nearly 600 people that applied for the position, I was the one who made it, why can't I just be grateful, right? Senawang je kot bukannya Miri! Maybe I'm not into the research that they are doing, pesticides. I always find that pesticides is actually an ironic thing. You invent this pesticides to kill harmful insects, you applied it, at first it does kill the insects but eventually the insects become stronger and the pesticides can no longer kill them and now the crop is facing an even bigger problem! But I believe, in working, ideally you should do what you like but most important you need to like what you do (like it or not) and give your best! I'm waiting for other offers too but Nadia reminded me that when we are looking for a job we must hold to this Malay saying 'Jangan sampai yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran'.

If Agriculture is the way to go, MARDI could you like please call me for an interview before 3rd January? Better yet made me an offer by 3rd January! Maybe an offer from a pharmaceutical company will actually get me jumping? I still need to explore.

I have not made any solat isthikarah, but I do pray hard after solat so that Allah show me signs to accept the job offer in Senawang. And amazingly signs do show up in positive ways! I believe keberatan hati to accept this job offer is being away from Apai. He is definitely my other half. I love him maturely-lah tapi, x delah sampai if jodoh tak panjang hilang arah tujuan kan, but you know what I mean right? And the idea that I may be stuck here forever if I happen enjoy my work here, what would then happen to us? But then I met a few people who leave in Seremban and work KL, but they are single. Hurmm. It maybe quite early for some to think about marriage but certainly not me. But there is no urge to get married in the nearest time. It would just be wonderful to be able to come back to someone after a long tiring day, especially someone you love. If I have to choose to sacrifice love over career or career over love, certainly will choose love over career..or maybe the later? depends I guess on the situation.

Once I received the offer letter than I'll think more about this but at this moment it just feels good to let go of everything here, although I did not spill all of my concern, but it still feels good. I found that when Apai is unreachable, I'm quite lost. It's not that I dont want to share my worries with my friends here, but Apai knows me best, he make me see myself far beyond the things that I see. He is always so positive about everything but in a very logicly way.I guess it is true what was once told that, Looking straight into a forest, a man see a forest, but a girl see the individual trees. Even if a read a thousand article to motivate myself, Apai words will still have the best motivational words ever.

The truth is I'm just so heart broken right now for not accepting Papa offer to work in Kuantan under MPOB. It's on a research developing biofuel from sagu. I hope Papa understand :(
I may say today I want to do what I want to do but there is a high chance tomorrow I will change my mind to follow what my parents think is best for me. A win-win situation would definitely be me continuing study, all I need to do is tune myself back into research mode for a higher degree. Things would be easier if this science field could offer a high paying job without all those higher qualification you know.

I need Apai back to tell me everything is okay. Maybe I am overreacting.

In the mean time, I have fun going to BeST Programme everyday! Everyone is wonderful! I gain a lot of valuable insights from this programme. Not mainly through the courses taught but more from interactions with other participants.Since, I graduated overseas and 4 tahun ketinggalan zaman dengan perkembangan dunia biotechnology di Malaysia, it's good to have insight from those who actually graduated locally. Obviously they know more than I do lah kan. They shared their experience while studying, their practical training, their FYP, job hunting and their personal opinions about the field of biotechnology in Malaysia. Some offer their professor contacts and all, and I have a better view of how researches at universities are actually handle. And it made me think a lot about my future here in Malaysia.

If you think I have gain a lot of research experience from Penn State that is becuase I choose to do an independent research, if not besides lab experience I am nothing compare to local graduates. Diorang dahlah ade FYP, practical training lagi. They do have something like BIOTC 416 known as Biotechnology Commercialization with representative from Biotech Corp as judges! Jangan main-main. But I think in general, we are expose to more technical skills in different field of biotech but they are more expose to real life situation working in a lab but specific to their FYP and practical training while lacking some skills from other field of biotech. Both education system have their pros and cons I guess.

There's a lot that I would like to share about my new findings at BeST Programme and at interviews,  but I find it hard to actually write an informative post! It is just not the same as expressing what I am feeling. I think a CONVERSATION would be easier. Call me! :)

I'm glad I end this post on a happy note. When I feel life is hard, I look outside my bedroom window looking over Taman Desaminium and realize that there is more to life than JUST building a career and I  feel a bit relax and try to swallow everything slowly.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Short updates

Yo, this blog is starting to be fill with teenagers, thanks to my sisters yang blog hoping to this blog and left my blog URL on their stats.

Today, he will be leaving Bintulu for 2 weeks, sedih extra skit this time, not sure why.

Waiting for two interview results by 16 Dec.

BeST Programme is very rewarding, learn and will be learning very valuable stuffs. Siap bagi GMP cert lagi.

Eh I will be updating about job hunt soon k Nysa (I know you will reading this :)) but not this weekend, this weekend I will need to be in Terengganu for a family gathering.