I dont think I want to continue my studies dah at this moment, or maybe I do want to but not in this field. Too much stress, which I refuse to handle even if I can. I've been thinking about it even before I was feeling unwell, the stress was building up, maybe sebab tu sakit tiba-tiba kot, hehe. Doing your PhD is not easy especially when you're still in the phase of I-need-a-break- after-my-degree. I really wanted the title so bad for my future plans, which is not being an academician or working in the academics. I wanted to do my own research at my own company and then jadi kaya, hehe. I need the credibility that comes along with the title 'Dr.' and I wanted to start early. Now I need to re-plan everything, because you know the stereotype that people usually associate with being in the science field - kerja banyak dan susah, gaji ciput, lambat nak kaya, well yeah I dont want to go through that, I'm not fit for it - physically and mentally at the moment, I dont even want to push myself to give it a try. I'm done pushing myself. But there is still a part of me telling me that I can survive it. I'm not sure yet whether I just need a month break from my studies or to turn over a new leaf.
And it is hard that I'm keeping my health condition away from my family, everyone is trying to say tak de ape-ape, I've never said this before in any condition that I am, because I believe those who used this phrase is like 'Ek eleh macam besar sangat masalah ko'..but yeah, 'Try to be in my shoe'. It is not just about having the illness but having the illness and trying to continue what I am doing now, it take a lot of strength. And like I said before, I'm done pushing nyself. I need a break.
Apai is not helping either because he is being too positive. He needs to accept the fact that there is a chance that I may not fully recover or that things may get worse in the future. At the moment, the recovery process is slow, but it is just something that I need to get use to. Dont worry people, I'm not really sick, I'm just unwell.
Before this I'm very much aware that one day I'll die, tapi sekarang kesedaran tu amatlah meningkat-ningkat. Takutlah. I dont think I'm ready. Ni kesedaran yang datang bersama being unwell, I'm not diagnose with any fatal disease. Setiap yang berlaku ade hikmahnya, dan hikmah yang terbesar yang datang bersama ujian ini ialah usaha yang meningkat untuk mendekatkan diri padaNya. Bukan sahaja berdoa untuk sembuh sepenuhnya tetapi juga agar diampunkan segala dosa, hidup dan dimatikan dengan iman. Thank you Allah for this reminder, the reminder that I need not only plan my life here on earth but also hereafter.
" Dan aku tidak (menyatakan) diriku bebas (dari kesalahan), kerana sesungguhnya nafsu itu selalu mendorong kepada kejahatan, kecuali nafsu yang diberi rahmat oleh Tuhanku. Sesungguhnya, Tuhanku Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang."
- Surah Yusuf. (12): 53
" Dan bersegeralah kamu mencari keampunan dari Tuhan kamu dan mendapatkan syurga yang luasnya seluas langit dan bumi, yang disediakan bagi orang-orang yang bertaqwa."
- Surah Ali Imran (3): 133
"... Dan berbekallah kamu, kerana sesungguhnya sebaik-baik bekal adalah taqwa."
- Surah Al-Baqarah (2): 197