Saturday, April 23, 2011

Starting all over again

I dont think I want to continue  my studies dah at this moment, or maybe I do want to but not in this field. Too much stress, which I refuse to handle even if I can. I've been thinking about it even before I was feeling unwell, the stress was building up, maybe sebab tu sakit tiba-tiba kot, hehe. Doing your PhD is not easy especially when you're still in the phase of  I-need-a-break- after-my-degree. I really wanted the title so bad for my future plans, which is not being an academician or working in the academics. I wanted to do my own research at my own company and then jadi kaya, hehe. I need the credibility that comes along with the title 'Dr.' and I wanted to start early. Now I need to re-plan everything, because you know the stereotype  that people usually associate with being in the science field - kerja banyak dan susah, gaji ciput, lambat nak kaya, well yeah I dont want to go through that, I'm not fit for it - physically and mentally at the moment, I dont even want to push myself to give it a try. I'm done pushing myself. But there is still a part of me telling me that I can survive it. I'm not sure yet whether I just need a month break from my studies or to turn over a new leaf.

And it is hard that I'm keeping my health condition away from my family, everyone is trying to say tak de ape-ape, I've never said this before in any condition that I am, because I believe those who used this phrase is like 'Ek eleh macam besar sangat masalah ko'..but yeah, 'Try to be in my shoe'. It is not just about having the illness but having the illness and trying to continue what I am doing now, it take a lot of strength. And like I said before, I'm done pushing nyself. I need a break.

Apai is not helping either because he is being too positive. He needs to accept the fact that there is a chance that I may not fully recover or that things may get worse in the future. At the moment, the recovery process is slow, but it is just something that I need to get use to. Dont worry people, I'm not really sick, I'm just unwell.

Before this I'm very much aware that one day I'll die, tapi sekarang kesedaran tu amatlah meningkat-ningkat. Takutlah. I dont think I'm ready. Ni kesedaran yang datang bersama being unwell, I'm not diagnose with any fatal disease. Setiap yang berlaku ade hikmahnya, dan hikmah yang terbesar yang datang bersama ujian ini ialah usaha yang meningkat untuk mendekatkan diri padaNya. Bukan sahaja berdoa untuk sembuh sepenuhnya tetapi juga agar diampunkan segala dosa, hidup dan dimatikan dengan iman. Thank you Allah for this reminder, the reminder that I need not only plan my life here on earth but also hereafter.

" Dan aku tidak (menyatakan) diriku bebas (dari kesalahan), kerana sesungguhnya nafsu itu selalu mendorong kepada kejahatan, kecuali nafsu yang diberi rahmat oleh Tuhanku. Sesungguhnya, Tuhanku Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang."
- Surah Yusuf. (12): 53 

" Dan bersegeralah kamu mencari keampunan dari Tuhan kamu dan mendapatkan syurga yang luasnya seluas langit dan bumi, yang disediakan bagi orang-orang yang bertaqwa."
- Surah Ali Imran (3): 133 

"... Dan berbekallah kamu, kerana sesungguhnya sebaik-baik bekal adalah taqwa."
- Surah Al-Baqarah (2): 197


  1. bina... hold on there. like u said everyone has his/her own problem... and yes being an adult is very challenging. can't just straight away nagging to family anymore. everything need to be on our own. =(

    me too... have my own prob. to handle to solve and to pray... sometimes good news can come with bad 'reception'. plus the bad news itself. =(

    let's be strong bina... chaiyok!!!

  2. Bina I was contemplating on the same thing too, obviously. Of what I really want to do in life, of whether I'm really that noble to be a slave for science. I kinda got offered to do cancer research but the thing is they don't pay me much, which makes me go like, see, I would love to, cancer kot, but still, I need to earn a decent living jugak kot. haha. anyways.

    But just so you know, seeing your dedication when you're working on your undergraduate research tu, I think you do have what it takes to do PhD, I'm pretty sure you're capable of handling the stress buildup. But of course, the decision is always yours and there is no wrong or right answer to that.

    Y'know, to think that you have to go through adulthood dilemma like most of us do, coupled with your illness to cope with; you're definitely stronger than most of us, than me at least. You go girl!

    Say, lets throw all the uncertainties aside and have a peaceful vacation, shall we? Perhentian jom? Like seriously ni. Hee :D

  3. never easy to make a decision..which will cost you, your life to pay..being said u will stuck for 3 years for the phd..and it could be science is always unpredictable..but, i am sooo very sure that u def can do it..if you put ur utmost effort..again, it comes back to fate..
    for some thing, no matter how hard u try, u wont get it if you are not destined to get it, and vice versa. and life is not a long journey, and i would say, enjoy the most you can, while trying the best u can give in ur life, which i always believe you can :)

    and biena, being optimistic is not a crime. maybe he feels the same way as what you do, but maybe he just could not put the sad face in front of u, as he's trying his best to make u feel stronger :) but i do understand, there are times where we could not take anything any longer, but believe me, you re one strong girl..and keep on praying..we never know what Allah has planned for us but we could pray the hardest to get what we want :)

  4. Far, Nysa, Peyya! :)Thanks for the comment and support and kepercayaan yang tak berbelah bahagi untuk i meneruskan pengajian.

    I know if I want to I can continue my PhD tapi since sakit ni, paranoid. Takutlah nak kerja mende-mende yang akan membahayakan kesihatan ni, hihi. Nak pergi Africa pun dah takut, nak main dengan haiwan pun dah takut. So yeah, tak nak dah jadi pegawai penyelidik, nak jadi PTD atau seangkatan dengannya, ehehe.

    Dah hilang semangat dh nk smbg pengajian bkn sbb sakit tapi sbb byk mende, which make me think, maybe this is not what I want. And bila sakit macam tersedar, YES THIS IS NOT WANT I WANT TO DO. Maybe I should pursue the dream to be a wedding planner or event planner. But I am brave enough to pursue that dream? That is the real question now. Ke memang nk jadi scientist ni, alamak masih confuis, heee. Tapi tak nak wat plant pathology dah, takutlah!

    A vacation sounds so good right now.